Exreality.NET

As Exreality ventures into its second year of existence and into 2007, I found it necessary to revisit some of the better moments of 2006. Because after all, previous rants only become more and more relevant as people continue to make ever larger morons out of themselves. Some of the notable ones follow, should you read further.

1. Road Construction
A drive down Highway 9 reminds me that road construction is like a terrible late stage cancer. The lanes on that highway are about as narrow as the Democrats’ senate majority win. I find it somewhat ridiculous that in order to widen an already tiny road, they make it that much smaller for that much longer that once the road is widened, so many people have been avoiding it for so many years that the expansion is no longer necessary. Then they move on to the arterial that has been handling the load for the last five years and it all goes downhill from there. And as soon as the traffic returns to the recently widened road, some bone-headed utility company finds it necessary to dig all sorts of holes and bury various pipes, leading to the bumpiest new roadway you’ve ever driven on. Sometimes I wonder what they do with my tax dollars instead of hiring competent traffic engineers.

2. WB/UPN Merge
Let me give you a recipe. Take one can of Brussels sprouts, mix it with one can of dog food. Mix. The assumption that mixing two shitty things creates a better product is horribly inaccurate. WB and UPN, two fantasically bad networks on their OWN, coming together to form the ‘CW.’ The only problem, however, is that this has created a chasm for the white viewer looking for shitty programming. The mixture of the WB and UPN has created a market for poor television shows featuring nothing but minorities. What are we going to do without wholesome Christian shows like 7th Heaven? Those WB executives are sinners for removing that quality piece of programming from the lineup.

3. Radio – Friend or Foe?
Let me tell you, it seems that the volume of commercials has gone up in two ways. Both the sheer decibel value of them, they are louder than ever, and also the amount. Many radio stations bring to light the fact that they play 45 minutes of music in an hour. That’s still 15 minutes of commercials. That means that each time you change the radio station, there is a one in four chance they’re on commercial. And somehow, every station is on commercial at the same time. When they DO come back to the music, they refuse to play any actual good songs. 2006 has shown me that listening to the radio is a hopeless cause. My iPod is going to be a good friend in 2007.

4. Courtesy: A Guide for Dumbasses
This is an installment that needs no introduction. I can tell you right now that this series will return throughout 2007 as courtesy is something that few people understand. You may not make plans with someone and then cancel at the last minute for horrible reasons. Homework is not a good excuse on a Friday night. If you don’t want to do something, just say so. However, these things will continue to happen, and as they become annoying, you can trust that we will continue to expand this guide for the betterment of dumbasses abroad.

5. Temperature Rising
I swear to God, it was the hottest summer on record. What a delight it was. Cooling off was an impossible task, and I wonder how anyone survived the summer with an ounce of sanity. It must be because we all knew what was coming, a November that not even a prophet could’ve foreseen. Record rainfall, flooding, snow, and wind. All in a month’s time. Not to mention the wettest month on record in Seattle. I hate to steal a Lewis Black bit, but yes, there was snow AND lightning. AT THE SAME TIME. That doesn’t happen. I firmly believe that’s why we were able to stand the summer’s sweltering temperatures, because we knew damn well that change (and a hell of a lot of shit) was on the way.

6. The Elderly
I think that in addition to a drive test being necessary for elderly folks to get their license, one of the requirements should be driving the speed limit. I’m not sure why being old forces a person to go well below the speed limit, but I’m tired of it. People have places to be, and they count on not getting stuck behind you. And you can count on the fact that if anyone tries to cut around these people, all of a sudden they have the reaction time of a snake and manage to take down your license plate number and call the police. If you aren’t on the road to drive, then get off the road. If you want to be slow, go for a walk. The exercise may do some good. Keep those joints moving.

7. Car Dealership Service Centers
What else can I say other than ‘paper cones?’ The use of such cones is some sort of bizarre psychological warfare manufactured to make us go insane and buy a car in haste just to get the hell out of there. It’s wrong and it shouldn’t be allowed. Only cups with flat bottoms should be made, and all other inferior cups should be burned in giant incinerators. How idiotic do you have to be to say, “I’ve got a great idea guys. Cups shaped like cones. It’s genius.” And its engineers like that who are the reason for the space shuttle Challenger and Columbia disasters.

8. Talkies
A truly fantastic and humorous rant written by our very own Nyarlathotep. Iqbal will rise again, let me assure you, but not if he interrupts my movie again. And trust me, “Fuck That Vixen With An AK47,” was a romantic love story.

9. The Stiqayu
As some of you know, what I’m now referring to as ‘The Stiqayu Affair’ was a major disaster. Some words of wisdom for you: If you aren’t prepared to have 20+ journalists breathing down your neck with a loathing that cannot be described in words, don’t tell them they are bad people and have no morals. Trust me, it backfires 10 times out of 10. Randomly attacking people, while fun, is not a good way to make friends. I can make fun of the elderly because they have limited mobility. The Stiqayu journalists do not. And I’m sure they can still swing a baseball bat.

10. Christmas
A truly commercial holiday with no religious ties until the other religious groups step in. Then again, isn’t that how most things end up? Everyone is fine until the guy from that one religion speaks up. Let say, hypothetically, that a member of a religious community is going about complaining about trivial things such as not including a certain religious symbol in a ‘holiday’ display. I say Sea-Tac International should display it. But it should be on engulfed in flames for the duration of the holiday season.

In conclusion:
I’d like to thank this year’s writers for providing us with endless insight and entertainment. From Nyarlathotep’s masterfully written analyses to shadow’s hilarious accounts, we have put together quite a collection of writings here at Exreality, and will continue to bring the same quality to the public over the years to come. I hope everyone had a Merry Christmas and that the coming year of 2007 will bring fewer idiots to your life. Carry on.