Exreality.NET

We’ve all seen them. One minute you’re watching your favorite drama. Then an ordinary commercial comes on the television trying to hock some sort of revolutionary sponge (note that sponge technology hasn’t changed in quite some time, not since the addition of the Brillo pad) when all of a sudden, your brain is assaulted by pharmaceutical companies who think it’s a good idea to advertise their products via television. And to think, these pharmaceutical companies exist to “help” people.

The first commercial that especially pisses me off is for that damnable Enzyte drug. The commercial starts off with an obnoxious soundtrack consisting of someone whistling, and throughout the commercial you see Enzyte Bob doing routine tasks around the house, that is, mowing the lawn, doing laundry, talking on the telephone, and playing tennis, but the thing is, he’s doing all of those things with a huge, dumb grin on his face. Why is the man smiling, you ask? Did he just get a big promotion? Is he really satisfied with his life? No, no. The man is smiling because HIS DICK JUST GREW AN INFINITELY SMALL AMOUNT. Now listen, I’m not saying that isn’t valid reason to be happy, but this commercial absolutely drives me up a fucking wall. Maybe the drug works, I don’t know, but the fact that they advertise it as ‘Natural Male Enhancement’ leads me to believe that it’s all a crock of shit anyway. For all intensive purposes, ‘natural’ means ‘ineffective.’ So, not only is the commercial ANNOYING, the product doesn’t fucking work. AND IT’S NOT EVEN A PRESCRIPTION. It’s the bitch of the prescription drug world. Maybe companies like this should be charged extra for airtime. We can call it the ‘pummeling-society-with-annoying-messages’ fee.

The next one is that genital herpes commercial. Imagine a great rock face in the Southwest, the sun beating down on the surrounding desert. The camera pans by the face of the rock, showing two climbers making their way to the top. A man and a woman, seemingly a couple, are ascending the rock face. Inexplicably, the camera comes up really close to the two, and the woman turns to the camera, and inevitably says something like, “I have genital herpes, but with such-and-such medication, I can lead an active lifestyle!” The first thing here that annoys me is that her boyfriend, who probably GAVE it to her or GOT it from her, doesn’t fucking notice that she has TURNED TO A CAMERA, OBVIOUSLY MOUNTED ON THE ROCK FACE, to talk about her FEMININE HYGIENE. Like someone just installed a camera there with a sign that said, “Discuss your sexual health.” And if they did do that, they’d put it on a street corner in New York City, not on a rock in the middle of the goddamn desert. Also, I’d like to know who goes around telling everyone about their herpes? No one has ever been that upbeat about an embarrassing disease. Lastly, since when did herpes do anything to affect your lifestyle? Sure, you can’t FUCK AIMLESSLY, but you can still climb rocks. If only they made a pill for people to regrow missing limbs; then a commercial with a rock climbing would make sense.

And then there is the one I saw just 10 minutes ago. HPV, Human Papilloma Virus, better known as genital warts, is a serious disease affecting many men and women in America. It has also been proven to be one of the leading causes of cervical cancer in women. Thankfully, with the hard work of the pharmaceutical companies, there is now a vaccine available that may eliminate this disease, and the cancers associated. The only problem is, their advertising campaign is an absolute mess. The commercial starts off with a person on a skateboard, but it is nearly impossible to figure out what GENDER they actually ARE. Turns out she is a female, because well, obviously men don’t have female reproductive parts. Anyway, she says, in a very masculine voice, which I found odd, “One Less.” Then we went through a montage of different sorts of women, most of which were ‘independent.’ You know, the girl who plays the drums, the girl on the skateboard, the girl rock climbing. Well, obviously they aren’t that independent, because they had to be fucked by someone. Listen, the point is, these commercials should present an accurate pictures of those who actually need this vaccine. People who need it are between the ages of 0 and 25. They need it because our society is driven by sex. Anyone older is actually mature, and anyone younger likely has loose morals. Maybe we should treat it like smallpox and vaccinate everyone. The point is, a commercial where everyone just says “One Less” for 60 seconds isn’t an advertising campaign, what it IS, is fucking annoying.

Basically, when they say to ‘Ask Your Doctor,’ they’re right, you should. But you shouldn’t do it because some shitty commercial told you to. In fact, you may even go so far as to find a doctor competent to DIAGNOSE YOU and then prescribe the APPROPRIATE DRUGS. We don’t need a bunch of people going around diagnosing themselves. And I urge people like Bob Dole to realize that and stay the fuck out of my Viagra commercials.