IHOPlebee’s
Read on.
IHOP Corp. has apparently agreed to purchase Applebee’s International Inc. for the amount of 1.9 billion dollars. A merger this fucked up hasn’t happened since the WB and UPN merged to create the critically acclaimed CW. (I almost vomited as I typed that. Strange.) I’ve been to an IHOP. The food is so marginal that it’s scary. Applebee’s has similarly marginal food, but is slightly redeemed by the fact that Tyler Florence of the Food Network is attempting to spice up their otherwise bland food. The problem lies herein: IHOP is similar to a Denny’s. Diner food, but shitty. Applebee’s is a bar/grill type of setting. If they start serving that horrible sewage they call coffee at IHOP in Applebee’s Restaurants, I will absolutely blow a gasket. Nothing better than a hot cup of Joe with your CALIFORNIA SHRIMP SALAD (which sucked last time: don’t fucking overcook shrimp).
I suppose Applebee’s made a good preemptive move, as they now offer breakfast in their restaurants. Thing with that, however, is that they do such a good job at fucking up lunch and dinner that I wonder how they can possibly fuck up breakfast any more. Somehow fucking up is a good business strategy, because for some reason, the parking lots at Applebees’ are perpetually full. I have no idea how that’s possible. The only thing worth eating on their menu are the Brownie Bites. Everything before that is just punishment before that final dessert-like payoff.
To add to this clusterfuck, IHOP plans to sell all of the Applebee’s owned locations to franchise owners, which will create even more inconsistencies in the menu and quality of food at Applebee’s. So, the moral of the story? Applebee’s is shitty. But IHOP is shittier. This whole deal is similar to Mexico buying the United States. It’s absurd, and the former can only destroy the latter.
Hell, at least they didn’t just change the name of every Applebee’s and IHOP to IHOPlebee’s. THAT would be a mess. But it does create a flattering graphic.
If you’re ever tempted to go to an IHOP or Applebee’s from this point on, get in your car, drive really fast, and smash into the nearest telephone pole. It’ll be slightly more pleasant than enduring an afternoon at either establishment.
My God Jim… So i can get a rooty-tooty fresh and fruity at AppleBee’s? Awesome. I have to say, that it is very true what you said about Mexico and America. nice.
“A merger this fucked up hasn’t happened since the WB and UPN merged to create the critically acclaimed CW.”
Please see: Rupert Murdoch - Evil monopolizing Sith Lord takes over national dialogue with bid for WSJ and DowJones.
Well seeing as that article doesn’t appear on this site, it probably wasn’t referenced for a reason. Now i believe there is an article about the WB/UPN merger…
I was using a literary tool as a faux reference to bring up, what in my mind, is just a slightly more fucked up issue.
Well to each their own, but for our regular guests, it was an allusion to an article written last fall before UPN and the WB merged in one last desperate act to save their ratings. Just an fyi. But i see where you’re coming from.
Ah, I now see where that could have been confusing. Sorry, I will try and be clearer when attempting to be clever.