10 Things to Panic Needlessly About
It has always been hip to panic. There have been so many occasions where it has happened on a widespread scale, including but not limited to: the cold war, killer bees, anthrax, hantavirus, and Y2K. But here in the 21st century, there’s a whole new set of things to panic about.
1. A push for universal healthcare. After all, why pay for others to be able to live if you have enough money to take care of yourself? Honestly, what kind of person cares about the well-being of others? No proud American I know, that’s for sure. </sarcasm>
2. The economic bailout. The car companies are failing, and people expect them to operate without money, in lieu of giving them money. Well, you need money to make products. So the government steps in, and people panic even more. They cry socialism before the government can even sign the check. And to top that off, the success of car companies is exceedingly important: after all, what would fat Americans do without overkill SUVs to eat their Extra Value Meal in?
3. Swine flu. Everyone and their pig has it. It’s roughly as deadly as the normal flu, yet people are willing to treat it as a horrifying epidemic just because they talk about it on Good Morning America every day. It hits college campuses hard, likely due to the fact that the average college student’s immune system is decimated from regular binge drinking (in my opinion anyway). I think that this is the educational community’s way of reducing enrollment numbers. They engineered swine flu to thin out the college population. It’s diabolical, and I like it. When budget cuts aren’t enough, they resort to bioterrorism. As they say on my college campus, “Don’t Pork the Pig.” Four great words to live by.
4. Michael Jackson’s death. Who freaking cares? I have to agree with shadow, it’s ridiculous how everyone forgets how deeply disturbed the man was, and the questionable activities he was involved in. We should be focusing on all of the people who enabled him, likely in return for monetary incentives. What we really should be panicking about is that we have to see Janet Jackson on TV again. Who knows how much boob we’ll see next time she’s on Oprah.
5. Politicians making false remarks. Yeah, because that never happens. According to a certain someone, President Obama is a liar. The funny thing about this, however, is that if President Obama was indeed telling the truth, then the fine Congressman who called him out was in fact the liar. The bottom line is that politicians lie, but we shouldn’t be panicking. It’s nothing new. It’s just that some apply common courtesy and don’t interrupt and call out their superiors in a public setting. What we should be panicking about people with no sense of honor holding elected positions.
6. Jon & Kate’s divorce. Clearly, the trials and tribulations of this family are foreign to all of America. After all, where else can you see lurid affairs which lead to divorces and ultimately break-ups of families that cannot afford to be broken up? Oh yeah, that’s right…in roughly 50% of marriages in this country. I say we let the gays get married, they might be able to pull up the successful marriage figures in the US. But I don’t see why we’re panicking. It’s not an earth-shattering event. I think people are just annoyed because their sick, guilty pleasure reality TV show is likely getting the axe. Sad, sad individuals (the viewers, mind you).
7. Global warming. Honestly, it’s old news. And yes, the implications of such a phenomenon are dire. We could be spiraling into the next ice age and/or Jake Gyllenhaal movie, the latter being a far greater threat than the former. I just don’t see a point in panicking. We know what we need to do to prevent global warming, yet no one is willing to do it. So why panic about something that’s inevitable? There’s no point in worrying until your house is either covered in ice or flattened by a hurricane. A hurricane that somehow manages to hit Seattle, for example. But really, there’s no need to panic until you have to file the homeowner’s insurance claim.
8. Sarah Palin’s 2012 campaign. It’s going to fail. She’s an idiot.
9. Nude baristas. They are probably the single greatest “threat” to society. For those of you that don’t know, or don’t experience this phenomenon in your part of the country, the new thing is to have baristas at drive-up coffee stands preform lewd acts in exchange for money while they serve customers coffee. While relatively degrading and understandably repulsive to some, these stands are hardly the top threat to America. After all, we still have terrorists and non-Christians to contend with. Scantily clad baristas don’t even wear scary headgear (e.g. turbans) or speak in tongues (well, it has been reported they let their clients use tongues). Let’s not worry about these freaks.
10. Teacher strikes. Yes they happen a lot. Yes they’re annoying. Yes teachers are being selfish and hypocritical, claiming they care about educating children yet turning around and disrupting the start of the school year by demanding unrealistic concessions from school districts who are understandably strapped for cash, just like everyone else. But you know what? It’s not really a huge deal, because each generation is staggeringly stupider and lazier than the one before it. Teachers are really fighting a losing battle. We’d be better off educating infantile chimpanzees than American children. So starting a week later than usual is hardly a concern.
And now the fun part. You get to guess which one of these topics will get a full rant tomorrow…assuming I choose to write it on one of these topics. You can’t argue with inspiration, so it may not relate. See you tomorrow.