Meet the Epic Date Movie
Recently I’ve had the displeasure of seeing “Meet the Spartans.” Upon doing so I broke one of the Courtesy rules distorted and Nyarlathotep speak so highly about, but I’d like to juxtapose a referendum to their rule that you do go to a movie belligerently drunk because if you see a truly horrible movie and there are drunkards there, they cannot take anymore from an already horrible movie going experience. Like how you cannot become more dead after dying, a truly horrible movie cannot become more horrible by an outside force…
But I am not here to justify my actions, but to extrapolate on how horrible movies can be these days, somehow this unadulterated combination of obvious parodies and gay humor beat out the bloodbath that is Rambo Returns in the box office. So I’ve decided to write my own crap parody to prove how we should not have to pay movie for parodies that took 5 seconds to think of, entitled: “Giant Parody Movie.”
We open on a hot young slutty woman in front of her white picket fence having sex with the paper boy. The paper boy has one arm and no legs and is obviously not the hottest person in the world. She must be a really desperate housewife. Then we pan to her husband who is just pulling out of the driveway trying to get to an airport, but becomes Lost. Cut to the titles from Lost. After that, we steal the plane crash sequence from that show, but this time the plane happens to land on top of Carmen Electra (because she apparently is in all of these movies). The survivors include a group of B-list actors, probably consisting of TV stars from early 90’s shows like Saved by the Bell or from the Mad TV cast.
So we follow the story of Zack Morris on the island, learning people’s backstories and eventually hear a voice off in the distance. It starts to sound like Regis Philbin saying Zack’s name. Everyone on the island starts to freak out and run away. Zack finally realizes that he’s only dreaming and that he’s actually on Who Wants to Be a Millionaire! Regis repeats the question, “When trapped on an island, how do you start a fire? Is it A, water logged matches; B, killer bees; C, rubbing dry sticks together, or D, eating a hotdog?” Zack thinks for a second, remembers back to Carmen Electra “rubbing his twigs together” and answers, “C , rubbing dry sticks together. Final answers.”
After a pregnant pause, and too much tension from Regis, sexual and dramatic, he yells “Correct! You’ve just won 1 million dollars!” With Zack winning it all, he can now be united with his one true love Carmen Electra who is waiting for him at a train station in India. Then it ends, with a giant dance montage featuring every random person in the movie.
Well that wasn’t the most complete movie script in the word, but I’ve decided that in movies like these, the less horrible acting you have to see the better. Also the lack of attempting to make jokes will prevent them from falling flat. When people go to these movies, in hope of seeing something somewhat funny, it means they hope that there will be some intelligent jokes and/or parodies. While my obvious and crude jokes might not live up to that standard, on the whole, they were miles above what I witnessed on that fateful day while watching “Meet the Spartans.”